Third day of growing the beard

Meeting a friend in a restaurant. We are sitting outside and I watch myself how I touch my chin and reallise that I feel ashamed. I wonder weather I look ugly or blowsy? And would it be better sitting here with a shaved and smooth face?

Its not a beard yet. Do I feel embarrassed? This is a voyage to the own.

Doubts.

“Is this necessary!?” – “Do you like it!?” Sentences that I know from my past come to my mind.

I push them away and follow the words of my friend. I do not want to decide anything now. And I let the hair be where it is.

In the evening before I go to bed, I have a look at the soft hair in the mirror and I think that now I wont be able to go to the restaurant with Lena and her boyfriend. What will she say? Ohoh…there the fear is again. MY own is not worth to be accepted. I am not worth to be accepted. I offend the NORMAL. I do not adapt and they will exclude me. If one does not adapt to the ideas of society he will be excluded.

Perhaps she does not want to be my friend anymore, when she sees me like this! She will feel ashamed to go out with me and to show herself in public with me “the way I look!”

Another sentence from my childhood from my mum!

How the past always finds its way into my thoughts. How much I react to my thoughts and make myself the slave of them – just like this without being forced!

I consider my thoughts as serious…..I react on them with fear and act on them……perhaps I will cancel our meeting or run away and push the date into the future…just to avoid this confrontation!

Why am I scared of what others could say or think!?

Underneath of my reaction is the longing to be loved and apreciated?! The wish to be accepted, and loved how I am and to be left in peace. To be the way I am. Just to be. Yes. And I think everybody will have this wish. To be welcome and to be who he or she is.

And how do I react on all these standards?

And what do I do, the one who thinks that I need to fulfill them?! I behave like a slave and let myself be supressed by them.  By doing this my very own is not expressed. It is not allowed to show itself and to express. Needs to be surpressed….because it could disturb. Could interfere with the standard. And I will be rejected by the others and excluded if I do not follow the standards.

Advertisements

Second Day

Another day. Already in the morning I am doubting if I should or not!

Better going on to pluck out my hair? The pressure from the outer world is big! I need a certain strongness to withstand.

I will pluck out my eyebrows to look cultivated.

Went to do a familyconstellation session. Do I let my beard grow to fulfill the wish of my ancestors for a male descendant? Thinking symbolicly…..

At night. Half an hour past midnight. I am sittting outside on the steps of a house in the neighbourhood – it is warm and windy outside. I feel well being with me. Feel relaxed and in peace with myself. Happy. Content. Touching the little hair of the growing beard and feel complete. It is ok. Some fear is still inside of me, concerning the reactions of the other people. Doesn´t really matter.

Day 1 Diary of being with a beard

And then it happend. Sometime it had to happen. It took more than 23 years. And then it happend. Here I am. Some things have to happen some time anyhow. Nature cannot be denyied. Now my hair are allowed to grow. They may be. The beard may be. It is the end of a battle that durated more than 23 years. A battle against a phenomena that was natural, and whos beauty and power I did not want to see.

A photograph of Jennifer Miller convinced me.

This is what I want to be. Everything is ok the way it is!

I find myself beautiful. -. I love my long hair and I am happy. I am Woman – I am man – I am. Everything is inside of me. The old limitations and drawers are starting do dissolve. Who sais I am a woman? What makes a woman out of me? And is a woman with a beard no longer a woman? What about all the intergradations? To

To adhere to my beard – to adhere to me, opens the doors towards myself, that have been locked bevore. To accept myself, to be honest to myself and to take the space that I need brings me into balance and makes me whole.

No simulation, no running away anymore. Just to be who I am. Thats the future.

I think humanity is moving towards a time of being open and honest with one another.