Meeting a friend in a restaurant. We are sitting outside and I watch myself how I touch my chin and reallise that I feel ashamed. I wonder weather I look ugly or blowsy? And would it be better sitting here with a shaved and smooth face?
Its not a beard yet. Do I feel embarrassed? This is a voyage to the own.
“Is this necessary!?” – “Do you like it!?” Sentences that I know from my past come to my mind.
I push them away and follow the words of my friend. I do not want to decide anything now. And I let the hair be where it is.
In the evening before I go to bed, I have a look at the soft hair in the mirror and I think that now I wont be able to go to the restaurant with Lena and her boyfriend. What will she say? Ohoh…there the fear is again. MY own is not worth to be accepted. I am not worth to be accepted. I offend the NORMAL. I do not adapt and they will exclude me. If one does not adapt to the ideas of society he will be excluded.
Perhaps she does not want to be my friend anymore, when she sees me like this! She will feel ashamed to go out with me and to show herself in public with me “the way I look!”
Another sentence from my childhood from my mum!
How the past always finds its way into my thoughts. How much I react to my thoughts and make myself the slave of them – just like this without being forced!
I consider my thoughts as serious…..I react on them with fear and act on them……perhaps I will cancel our meeting or run away and push the date into the future…just to avoid this confrontation!
Why am I scared of what others could say or think!?
Underneath of my reaction is the longing to be loved and apreciated?! The wish to be accepted, and loved how I am and to be left in peace. To be the way I am. Just to be. Yes. And I think everybody will have this wish. To be welcome and to be who he or she is.
And how do I react on all these standards?
And what do I do, the one who thinks that I need to fulfill them?! I behave like a slave and let myself be supressed by them. By doing this my very own is not expressed. It is not allowed to show itself and to express. Needs to be surpressed….because it could disturb. Could interfere with the standard. And I will be rejected by the others and excluded if I do not follow the standards.