Day 358

The curious case Benjamin Button.

This movie is the number one at the moment in Germany in the videothek, where you can rent the DVD. First I did not want to see the movie, as I am not a fan of Brad Pit, and did not think this would be interesting. Then I watched the trailer on Youtube and was curious to see more. A man that is born old and getting younger day by day! Great idea! Amazing pictures, great masc……I rented the movie and was fascinated!!

This is a movie you have to see! Romatic, full of emtions, exciting and wonderous. More than two hours of entertainment!

Tonight I went to the filmnight on the Elbe with the huge screen.

They were showing a german movie: Im Winter ein Jahr. With Corinna Harfouch and Karoline Herfurth.

Another great movie. This is the trailer in german:

Both movies did make me feel better and get distracted from my bad mood that I had the past days.

When I came back from the cinema I read something in the blog of Loewin (blog in german from another woman with beard), that made me remember, that I like to have a beard, as I like to make other people laugh. But in Dreden people don´t have this kind of humor. They are more dry……

So I felt how I lost my humor too in Dresden during the past weeks….it is really time to leave this place! And then to see if this is a crisis I would have everywhere, or if it is somehow connected to the place Dresden. Anyhow a crisis is good for inner growth too.

My job as a nanny has a vaccation, as the kid is on holiday…..good chance to go somewhere else….


Day 357

A new day! – I received two comments that are supporting! And I saw a nice german comedy “Reine Geschmackssache” which made me feel better….!

The men on the building side next to the house started to work already at half past six and made much noise. Some time later the lawn was cut with much noise too……and in the early afternoon it was quiter for a short while, until the noise went on again….and cars are passing by all the time too….

I am dreaming of an island in the sea with no artifical noise…..and no cars…..

The sky is clouded. My diary has been printed out and I will read it now and start to decide what will be in the book in the end… more week and it will be a year that my beard is growing!

I feel the next topic (theme). It is about man and woman. Is it really necessary to hold on to the picture of men and women as it is today? – I can watch myself how I sort people into men or women  already during the first moments when I see a human being…..what a pitty!

Somedays on the street I start to do the oposite, and I try to see a man as a woman and a woman as a man. This shows me how even men walk like women and women move like men… what a nonsens to say this is male – this is female….

What is male – what is female? What do I think about men – what do I think about women? What are my prejudice against men and women? And is it true?

To occupy with these questions and gender seems to be the spirit of the age……

Even our federal government is thinking about the theme of sexual stereotyping, perhaps in a different way:

Why is it so important for human beings to sort other human beings into this category of male and female?

An interesting question. I did ask myself over and over the past year, but not deep enough….

One reason is the biological one, to conserve the own species….and to produce more of the own species! And as you need man and woman to reproduce the own species, we are sorting and looking for someone to reproduce with……Wouldn´t this be so necessary, as in times of overpopulation, and wouldn´t have been most of the human beings been taught to love only the opposit sex, then we could just skip this sorting, let go of our prejudice and wear whatever we want, male or female clothes, love whoever we feel to love and be much more free!

Just need to overcome the information in our cells that are there since ages…..since mankind exists!

And some people are living this already….which shows that it is possible.

Day 356 of the diary

What a day. What a monday!

Today I was so oversensitive to all the negativ reactions that came…..

Already I was in a bad mood during the past days. Don´t feel well in Dresden. Then I received two negativ comments one for my film on youtube another one to the blog. As both were too aggressive I cancelled them.

During the day it was very hot, but got coller in the evening. I went shopping to Netto, a supermarkt, to get some water and a young man talked to me and said: “I would cut the beard!” Some teenager were shouting and laughing and said: “shit!” Because they were shocked or amazed? Anyway it was a strange atmosphere when I went shopping….

After having returned home I had to go out again to another supermarket. Now it was already late, 9 pm and the atmosphere was different. About eight or nine drunken people were sitting in front of the entrance of the supermarket trying to get money from the people passing by…lying, sitting or standing there….which is quite a normal picutre here…….some were drumming……they did not say anything to me…..just asked for money….inside the shop people were staring again…..didn´t mind….

Dresden is really a hard place to live, if you are different. No other place has been so hard until now. Just Dömitz and Schwerin, also places in the east of Germany had been similar. I think the east of Germany is not the right place to be for me.

I am wondering, if the atmosphere here is a reaction how I feel? I guess not only….I once said where I do not fit with my beard, I do not fit at all. And this is true for this place. It is just more obvious and faster to noticeby looking different.

I think the people here are very afraid. They are trying to stick to their old traditions. Even thou this is the more alternative part of Dresden it is still not as open as for example Berlin. Many people here are afraid what the others could think of them….and they try to adapt and behave in the “right” way.

Wondering how it is for trans- or intersexuel people? How for the lesbians and gay people? Will be quite hard I guess. And how about people with another color of skin, people from other countries with other habits? The atmosphere is definitively a different than in Berlin.

Today I felt so bad and somehow even scared being here, that I decided to leave soon.

If I would stay here I would have someone to deliver my food so that I could avoid the shops and supermarkets! Would be like living in a prison!! Would be just in my flat writing and sewing…..I will watch the atmosphere when I go out and the reactions of the people, to understand more…the shopsellers were friendly today …well its their job….but they are not always….

My friends liked the film on RTL and me in the different costumes. I will concentrate now on the good and forget about the rest….

Two little clips that bring a good mood:

Day 356 Steamboat to Pillnitz

Dampfer Dresden Juli 2009Sunday. Sunny and windy. I decided to take a ride on the steamboat. Every day I can hear the sound of the steamboats, but never took a ride with one of them.

The boat I took left at 4 pm and went to Pillnitz a little village with a castle.Sorry too tired….I will go on translating later….

The travel took one and a half hour against the stream. Back it would be only one hour as the boat would be going with the stream.

Dampfer MaschineVery impressing th machine. A lot of wood was used on the boat and the machine was shiny. Got very hot. Would be nice and warm in wintertime….!

Dampfer DresdenI did not feel well with all these “norml” people. And whereever I sat there were not nice smells. On some places it smelled of the fumes from the chimney, or of the paint of the boat, or of cigarettes from the passengers… or of the water of the river Elbe which has a light smell of chemical industry….I know I have a very sensitive nose….

Blaues Wunder DresdenPeople I asked before I took the trip, told me that they did not sense any smells being on the boat……..The best place that was occupied was right in the front with my nose in the wind and no ugly smells…….In Pillnitz I went off the boat and had time to walk around the castle. In one and a half hour the boat would leave again.

On our travel we passed a few castles and I saw the blue wonder “Blaue Wunder” a bridge crossing the Elbe.

I was glad to leave the boat in Pillnitz. Felt well there. It was more countrysidelike and calm quite lot of nature. I decided to go back to town by bus, as I felt a bit sick from all the smells on the boat.

Schloss Pillnitz bei DresdenSo I had enought time to visit a cafe and walk around the Schloßpark. I discovered nice little shops in one of the buildings called Fliederhof. Eone of them was offering all different kinds of exotic chocolate. The other one had soap. From the camellia that grows there, they offered a soap. Every year man people come to see the camellia fowering! These  soaps are also available in a nice felt. Great idea. These soaps are being made by in Dresden. (the onlineshop is on holiday till the 2nd of august 2009)

But this camelliasoap is only available in Pillnitz in the castle!Bluteiche Dresden

In the park of the castle there are old trees and a Bloodoak. The stamp is huge and you could make a party underneath so huge is the crown of the tree. It was nice in Pillnitz and I would like to come back again perhaps by bike…..

Day 355

Mann - Frau‘Today I feel so much better. It is cooler and a strong wind is blowing. I guess it was due to the weather that I felt so bad.

This evening they showed the film about the fotoshooting with me in RTL Explosiv Weekend.

You can see the video HERE.

I liked it. They showed a lot of great picutures of me wearing costumes from Barocktime, male and female, a corsett, a frack….don´t know the english word…and more….was about 7 minutes and I guess they could have made a longer film out of the material.

The pictures of the fotoshooting will be used to make a calendar for 2010. When it is ready I will tell you on this webpage.

Day 354

Dresden MülltonnenMy mood was quite bad during the last days. Now it is about two months that I am living  in Dresden, and my first impression that I had of Dresden came back again. Dresden is a beautiful city, with impressing buildings and cultural events and much more….Many people that come to live here don´t want to leave anymore, people told me.

I can´t really explain, but I do not feel well here. Guess the atmosphere is too bourgeois. After having lived in so many places, I guess this will not change. There are places that fit and some that don´t.

I am longing to live close to the seaside. Up in the north….or in another country as New Zealand……..So these days I have a little crisis, don´t know where to go next….the idea to live in a camper came up again and seems to be the best solution for my wish to travel and change places and beeing free.

I am also moody, as I expected myself to work more on the book I am preparing about the beard. But, having worked a lot as a nanny the past weeks, which took a lot of energy and having the noise of the building site in the neighborhood, it was difficult to work concentrated. This buildingsite is so loud that even with windows shut it is still noisy.  As it is a big project it will not be finished soon….

Today I managed to print some pages of the diary, to be able to work with the material soon. It looks like this is going to be quite a big folder, when it is all printed out!

Healing Sounds

More music you can find on the  website of Chris Amrhein. At the bottom of th page is a whole CD to listen to.